Today, someone told me to take up less space.

I work in a co-working space, where the shared work area can (understandably) get noisy. Usually I just roll with it and put in earbuds or move to a quieter area. I occasionally ask people who are having loud meetings in the shared space if they could use the available phone rooms instead. It’s a reasonable request, never a demand, and the request is delivered calmly.

This afternoon, I evidently asked the wrong middle-aged white guy to use a phone room for his third loud meeting in the shared area. He complained to the manager that I was “rude.”

The manager (a woman) pulled me aside to “manage my expectations” and told me I can no longer ask people directly — I must ask staff to intercede.

“Am I making an unreasonable request?” I asked. “Well, that depends on how people take it,” she replied.

No. The reasonableness of my request has nothing to do with how people receive it.

I’m perfectly comfortable making reasonable requests. I’m not intimidated. I’m not afraid to take up space.

What’s this really about?

It’s about a woman taking up too much space.
It’s about a woman unapologetically asking for what she needs and being labeled “rude.”
It’s about one woman telling another woman it’s not okay to ask for courtesy.
It’s about a man being so taken aback by a woman asking him to change course that he perceives it as an affront. How dare she?! It’s so ingrained in our culture that another woman (the manager) took the bait.

The gaslighting is exhausting.
The expectation of shrinking to make others comfortable is exhausting.
The privilege is exhausting.

Some days, I’m just so tired of being expected to make myself smaller. Yes, sir, you have a right to be here — but could you recognize you’re not the *only* person here?

Today, someone told me to take up less space.
It didn’t work.